Lost

Not a day goes by where I read notes and stories on Twitter and Facebook, of friends and strangers both getting out there, enjoying a very active day or race or event and all I can do is feel bad about not doing it myself.  I'm in a weird place.

I've lost the desire to get out on my bike (which is tricky as I can really only do it at weekends).  I've lost the impetus to get in a pool and swim.  I'm just about hanging in there with food and nutrition, but more often giving in to what's easy than what's right for me.  I've not done any resistance training in months.

And I'm getting softer, squashier, tighter clothes, slower,  and down about it all.

Work exists and is different enough than where I was before, so it's taking up a lot of hours in the week in actual work, commuting, travel to other offices and generally emotional energy.  I did quite well in the first couple of weeks of the new job, gym/swim before work and then a full day in the office worked well, but then that didn't fit around being in the rural office (though I could run before or after work when there, but not if I was travelling).

I've not been talking to my coach at all for various reasons and I've had no training programme for two weeks, so tried to make it up and didn't do too badly in the second week until some socialising happened (which I really enjoyed) and it all fell apart.

At the bottom of it all I'm thinking about my "get faster at 70.3" goal for this year and see it becoming less and less a possibility.  6 weeks out from the first one and I've gained 4kg in 2 months, done almost no swimming (twice in 2 months), very little outdoor (road handling) cycling and not a lot of structured running.  My running form has dropped off and I can't ride my TT bike for toffee.

So.  Monday's race isn't happening.  There's no point.  I do the Thames Turbo sprints because they're fun and I enjoy them and where I am now it would be a miserable experience of being 90s slower over 8 minutes in the pool (how demoralising?) fighting a bike I can't ride at the moment (slow and frustrating at best) and carrying an extra 4kg on the run which will slow me down appreciably.  Not fun.  Not enjoyable.  So I'm not doing it.   I'll go out for a 4 hour ride instead.  And today I'll try to get out to the pool and maybe a run.  But the thought of doing some things just fills me with anxiety when I'm thinking about getting ready to do them and that's not good.  I need to work out how to chill the hell out about doing things.  I need to work out what I really want to be doing.  I need to figure out what's going on with food and how to make it sustainable (well, actually it's more about drink as the food has been fine, almost exemplary, until I drink).  Above all, I need to work out how to stop getting wound up about any of it.  That's the problem.  And that's what needs fixing.

Anyone else feeling a little overwhelmed by how well everyone else seems to be doing compared with themselves?

Ain't nothing without a goal

And therein lies the problem.

I -do- have some goals for this year and the first one is coming up real fast now; first ever triathlon in 6 weeks time.  The problem is that that goal conflicts in some ways with the one I'm really keen on, which is losing body fat.

I need to pack in more cardio training than I have been, otherwise I am going to fail at the triathlon, but there are only so many days in the week, it's still dark in the evenings and I dont't want to drop down from 3 weights sessions per week and still keep at least 1 rest day in the week whilst also being quite fatigued around exercise at the moment.

Running practice can be fixed by getting off a few tube stops early on the way home and running the rest of the way.  Yes, that take a bit of planning, but it's not a big deal.  It also won't impinge on my weight training sessions at all.  Swimming, I can squeeze in at least once a week on either Tuesday or Thursday as a cardio session.  The problem is the cycling.  And as that's the longest part of the triathlon and one of my weaker disciplines, it's going to have the highest impact on my overall aggregate time.

So. I think I may have a bit of a plan to get me through the first triathlon, but it's all a bit muddy after that.

Nice, pretty salad today though:-

And because we went swimming...

 

Haagen Dazs Summer Smoothie that's separated a bit after being in the freezer for a good few months now.  Still rather nom!

B - greek yogurt with 1 scoop and Dorset Cereals muesli
S - banana
*gym*
S - 1 scoop in semi-skimmed milk
L - salad; spinach, sweet peppers, celery, capers, pomegranate seeds, chicken fillet, walnuts and lemon juice
S - pistachios and tangerines
S - beef jerky
*swim*
D - beef chilli with couscous, peas and sweetcorn
S - sorbet/ice-cream thing (Haagen Dazs Summer Smoothie)

Calories (kcal) [kcals to maintain weight (inc. exercise)	1880 2382]
Protein (g)	173.2 (37.9%)
Carbohydrate (g)	185.2 (38%)
Fat (g)	48.0 (23.6%)
Fruit & Veg	10.4

Need to rein it in

It's been a touch silly the last week; champagne teas, lunches out, dinner out, lots of wine etc., very little gym attendance (partly due to being made to feel guilty about it at work, but that will get fixed soon) and it's no surprise I'm back over 68kg consistently.

I've been over maintenance kcals about 3 of the last 7 days but some of that is due to lack of exercise kcals as well as special occasions. It should be a lot easier to "keep it real" for a few weeks and get back into at least 2 weights and 3 cardio sessions in a week (including 1 outdoor run) now the birthday season is over. My current weights routine is so much fun so I am keen to get more of it in and hopefully the nearest gym to my office will get back to HR about corporate membership discounts soon so I can move to that gym and go more often during the week.

I'm not crushingly down about any of this excess, just a bit annoyed that I let it get a tiny bit out of hand. A tiny bit more self-discipline is all that's needed. I think I'm most peeved about how much I'll weigh when I go for my next PT session (which could be my last with that trainer if I get to move to the more local gym to work) and thus how little fat % I will have lost, if any!